The All-JB Team - just brilliant

Carlton coach Denis Pagan should put Jordan Bannister on the paddock, sit back and watch the DT points flow like el vino. You see, Bannister's initials have him destined for DT greatness.

At the back of the All-JB team you've got Richmond's rebound ace Joel Bowden. He can link up with Geelong gun Jimmy Bartel, whose forward target is none other than Brisbane beast Jonathan Brown. The ruck division is, admittedly, a work in progress. But St Kilda's Jason Blake can hold his own. The emergency is a toss-up between Jude Bolton and Jarred Brennan.

Can the JBs be beaten? If you think of a better set of initials (you'll need a back, centre, forward, ruck and emergency), then post it below.

Conditions of Cousins' release

Can someone have a word in the ear of the West Coast management group? Apparently the club is set to put Ben Cousins (ctr, $374,200) through a series of stringent conditions before they let the former substance abuser and Brownlow medallist play again.

One of those conditions should be that Cousins give struggling DT coaches a chance to shine by performing so terribly that he drives his exorbitant price into the ground. Once he's affordable, he'll be expected to star, of course. This can be arranged, right?

Merv Gray.

Farmer goes out swinging

A bit of biffo at the local disco has seen Freo forward Jeff Farmer (fwd, $257,900) bumped from the Dockers' squad just a week before he finished serving his ban from a pre-season incident. At least that was for an on-field discretion.

The 2200 DT coaches who'd stuck by Jeffrey through his current suspension should know the Dockers have banished the alleged bouncer basher to the WAFL wilderness until at least round 13.

Merv Gray.

Stat of the round: 169

The mind-boggling number of DT points Western Bulldogs dogged midfielder Scottie West racked up in round 5.

To put that in perspective, 169 was the number of DT points Carlton blood-nut Lance Whitnall had after four rounds. And you could have had five Adam Goodeses this week (28 points) and you'd still fall short of the Westinator's output this week. What a weapon.

Action Movie Dream Team

Just coz you're gunna have some spare time up your sleeve between the Anzac clash and the regular stuff on the weekend...

You've got $10m to spend on your action movie dream team. You must have one ass-kicker, one thinking man's action star, one villain, one ass-kicker doubling as the flick's hot chick and two action scenes.

Ass-kickers
You must have one player in this position.

Jean-Claude Van Damme (Universal Soldier) $2m
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terminator) $2.6m
Sylvester Stallone (Rocky) $2.4m
Bruce Willis (Die Hard) $2.3m
Wesley Snipes (Blade) $1.6m
Chuck Norris (Missing in Action) $0.9m
Steven Seagal (Under Siege) $1.4m
The Rock (Welcome To The Jungle) $0.6m
Eric Bana (The Hulk) $0.8m
Brandon Lee (The Crow) $2.2m

Thinking man's action stars
You must have one player in this position.

Christopher Reeves (Superman) $1.8m
Tom Cruise (Mission Impossible) $1.1m
Brad Pitt (Troy) $1.6m
Mel Gibson (Mad Max) $1.7m
Hugh Jackman (X Men) $1m
Nic Cage (Con Air) $0.9m
Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones) $1.5m
Tobey Macguire (Spiderman) $0.7m
Keanu Reeves (Speed) $0.8m
Michael J Fox (Back to the Future) $1.4m
Pierce Brosnan (James Bond) $1m

The villains
You must have one player in this position.

Joaquin Phoenix (Gladiator) $1.5m
Anthony Hopkins (Silence Of The Lambs) $2.3m
Predator (Predator) $1.8m
The shark (Jaws) $2m
Darth Vader (Star Wars series) $2.2m
Jack Nicholson (Batman) $1.4m
Gene Hackman (Superman) $1.2m

Ass-kickers doubling as the flick's hot chick
You must have one player in this position.

Cameron Diaz (Charlie's Angels) $2m
Jennifer Garner (Elektra) $1.6m
Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four) $2m
Halle Berry (Swordfish) $2.2m
Uma Thurman (Kill Bill) $2.1m
Sharon Stone (Basic Instinct) $1.3m
Demi Moore (GI Jane) $1.1m
Catherine Zeta Jones (Entrapment) $1m
Sigourney Weaver (Aliens) $1.2m
Neve Campbell (Scream) $1.7m

Action scenes
You must have two player in this position.

Car chase $1.9m
Boat chase $1.1m
Sex scene $2m
Airplane crash $1.5m
Kung-fu scene $1.8m
Exploding building $1m
Defusing a bomb scene $0.8m

Post your movie name and stars below.

Fiddling around in the dark

It's 4am, you're pissed off your nut and you can't find the key that unlocks the front door.

Okay, you get a key in the lock and twist. It snaps off and makes a loud clinking sound as it hits the tiles. You wonder who put tiles outside your front door. Five minutes later, you realise it isn't your house.

What's any of this got to do with DT, you ask? Well, picking your team on a Wednesday morning without the benefit of team news for all but two of the AFL clubs is akin to the situation above. You're pretty much fucked, whatever you do.

Your only aide, or the early-morning takeaway pizza to continue the analogy, are the ins and outs of the Collingwood-Essendon clash. They're Bradley, Bolton in and Hille, Jetta out for Essendon, and Didak, Bryan in, Licuria, Richards out for the Pies.

Merv Gray

Champion "knew nothing"

Sheema Tamatoa, who was making her fantasy comp debut last year, trumped thousands of "football experts" and walked away with the grand prize – despite having never followed AFL before.

What? The startling snippet above was found on Coke's Dream Team site. Seems knowing a thing or two about footy is not a prerequisite to winning the DT comp.

What Troy recons: round four

People, or whatever you are, Troy is back...

I recon that my brennan article last week was harsh, but he still managed to underachieve against my bold prediction. Even though the bar I so harshly set him was the equivalent to the 1 metre high jump. You know, in high school where they place the bar at the same height as the mat for the dud kids. I apologise to all those people that did get him in, you probably hate me. I am not one to say I told you so, so I wont, I just hope that you followed through with the upper cut (not too hard) and I hope brennan gave himself a huge one that causes him to miss a week, giving you an extra week to cut your losses and get rid of him before he drops way back down. He had good scores in Brisbane and or against shit teams. With that theory in mind, there is hope this week, I will admit. Good luck.

I recon it sucks arse that dream team can come so close to breaking up strong/long term relationships. For me, the worst time came in the last days of unlimited trading. It was like my girlfriend all of a sudden wanted to do all this stuff at really bad times. I’m sure you can all relate to what I’m saying, there are times when you really need to spend a good hour picking between a couple of players. I’m sure girls have a sixth sense in predicting these times and conjure up elaborate schemes to get you away from the computer. Now I live with a pack of dream team fanatic arseholes that spend as much time trying to fuck up everyone else’s team as they do selecting their own. I have not discounted the fact that they may have been putting these thoughts in her head. I have tried reverse psychology, (you get a team babe, you’d be good at it) (I cant wait to take you out with the 50,000 I can win if I put in the hours and ill take you on the best holiday) all to no avail unfortunately. Dream teamers, remember this, DT is thicker than water, girlfriends come and go, but DT lasts forever. Stay strong team.

I recon that the DT draw to play others in your league, have not been done fairly. Well, I am really just speaking from experience. Im currently ranked 3rd in my league and my first 5 games are all top 6 teams. I don’t like that. I like a couple of bunny teams chucked in so I can have a few good nights sleep and shit like that. There is a chance I have a couple of form slumps and be 0 and 5 and sitting rock bottom!! Ahh hang on, I gotta grab my fucking asthma spray at the mere thought of that shit! Ok, im right now, but seriously, not cool. Oh yeah, someone asked last week where im sitting in the rankings. Doesn’t get me a whole lot of street cred, but im 2000th or so and improving. I know its not too good at the moment, but I know what im talking about and still gunning for the elite.

I recon it is bullshit that every DT try hard I talk to, has “another team” that they whipped up and don’t care about. These “other teams” are always going really well and shit like that. How about you harden the fuck up and stop self handicapping. Have some balls and stop second guessing yourself, and go with your first thoughts with your number one team instead of having your “other team”.

I recon it is funny how the biggest talking point in australia at the moment is dt. No matter where you are, you can feel comfortable asking somebody “hows the dt mate?” “who you got as captain champ?” and you will get an answer. If you don’t get an answer, or they look at you with a blank look, don’t worry, they are a wanker and stop talking to them. These people need to get a life. It was funny the other Saturday night, I was sitting with my dream team buddy in the saints member section at Telstra drome (not a saint fan). The worst thing you could do there was mention a positive word about the bulldogs. If you were so stupid, you could expect a beer thrown at your head, abuse thrown your way, or even sauce flicked at you….. low I know, but yes tomato sauce!! Anyway, I witnessed the most daring thing ive seen in a long time. A (mega hardcore) kid in front of me, stood up and passionately cheered a goal by adam cooney. I ducked in anticipation of what was to come. As the tension grew, he came up with the only possible answer to get him out of the deepest shit ever. As the saints faithful loaded up, he pulled the old, “come on guys, he is my dream team captain, I need the points” haha, all good, he was out of it. All he copped after that was a couple of fair calls along the line of, “you must have a fuckin shit team mate” yes he must.

Tip for the week- make lion JB your captain. Not jono brown, jared brennan. Ok warnie?

Troy out.

Play it again, Sam

Finally, an explanation for the high number of possies Hawthorn's Sam Mitchell racks up each week. Hawk hard-nut Luke Hodge has revealed that Mitchell is the captain of his dream team. Everytime Hodge looks to off-load the footy, finding Mitchell must be his first priority. The only mystery left is why Hodge doesn't implore handball-happy Mitchell to kick it more?

My, what a big score you have!

A comment to the previous post shouldn't go unnoticed. Warnie noted that, back when he had hair, Hawthorn full-forward Jason Dunstall would have amassed 214 DT points in a match against Richmond. On that day in 1992, Dunstall had 25 kicks (75 points), 4 handballs (8), 18 marks (54), 5 frees for (5), 2 frees against (-6), 17 goals (102) and 5 behinds (5).


Warnie goes on to question whether that was the biggest DT score ever. Know of any that would top it, or any that come close?




Merv Gray

A bad dream

Anyone else in the Pepsi AFL Nightmare Team competition?


In this comp, you try to trade in the expensive-but-worth-it Bowden but get the just-as-expensive-but-far-crappier-and-not-even-selected-this-week Bowden instead. You use your second trade on Nathan Ablett, thinking "if I fuck up and get the wrong brother again, at least Gary Jnr can pull his weight". You do fuck up, but not by picking Gary Jnr. Instead, you wind up with their dad, Gary Snr - the prodigious footballer who would have been a guaranteed 100-points-a-week scorer in his day, but is worth jack to your team now he's hung up the boots.


It really starts to go pear-shaped when, just after the Friday deadline closes, Kevin Sheedy and Leigh Matthews reveal to reporters that three of your star players will "definitely" miss the Essendon-Brisbane clash on the Sunday. A strange twist of good fortune, however, sees all three of your emergencies play rip-snorters on Saturday.

• Your centre emergency had 43 touches. And not a Sam Mitchell 43 either; most of them were kicks. Jess's online calculator says he's worth about 150 DT points.
• Your emergency in the backline takes 27 marks and lays 14 tackles before being moved forward in the final term. He kicks three late majors and is looking good for about 160 DT points.
• Up forward, your emergency kicks 12 goals. He could have had 15 easy but sprayed a couple right in front. No matter, you'll take the 140 DT points he's racked up.

Or you would have, but the three players who were supposed certainties to sit out the Essendon-Brisbane game all play. And really badly, as it turns out. They combine for a meager 17 points and, more importantly, keep your emergencies ensconced on the bench. You get hold off both coaches' numbers and abuse them over the phone. "You're a lying bee-atch," you screech. It makes you feel a little bit better but your DT score still sucks ass.

At least my captain will come through, you say, having picked the ever-reliable Chris Judd to lead the team. But he gets pinged for holding the ball seven times early in the first quarter and then breaks his leg in three places. Obviously, he plays no further part in the match and his score of -21 for all those frees against is doubled. That really hurts.


In the final game of the round, the knife is twisted when two dogs have their day - Simon Prestigiacomo and Darryl Wakelin each amass over 160 points. They, of course, were the two players you dumped at the start of the round for crappy Bowden and God, and the captains of every other team in your league.


Got your own Pepsi AFL Nightmare Team story? Post it in the comments below.



Chook

Malthouse makes his move

What a sneaky prick Mick Malthouse has turned out to be. Clearly the Collingwood coach has Shannon Cox, Alan Toovey and Brad Dick in his AFL Dream Team side. The week before the players' prices start to shift, Malthouse names all three $82,300 youngsters in the Pies' team to play Richmond tomorrow night. Making way were Daniel Nicholls and Shane Wakelin, and the injured Ben Johnson.

On a busy night at selection tables around the league:

• A foot injury has forced the Kangaroos to drop veteran Glenn Archer for Sunday's match against Hawthorn.
• The Hawks have sent midfielder Tim Clarke to the surgeon for his achilles tendon to be chopped up. He'll miss about 12 weeks.
• After losing star forwards David Neitz and Russell Robertson in Monday's defeat at the hands of Hawthorn, the Demons have now been forced to omit defender Jared Rivers because of hamstring soreness. Adem Yze and Clint Bizzell were among six inclusions.
• The Cats added David Johnson, Kane Tenace and James Kelly to a long bench.
• St Kilda named fit-again Nick Riewoldt for his season debut but fellow co-captain Luke Ball will miss a second match with the head injury he sustained in the opening round. The Saints, without defender Max Hudghton, also named upgraded rookie Clinton Jones.
• The Bulldogs have replaced hamstrung Jason Akermanis with fullback Brian Harris, among three changes to the team to play St Kilda.
• Richmond has named ruckman Troy Simmonds for the Collingwood clash but will make the final call tomorrow. The Tigers did, however, drop the crappy Bowden brother, Patrick.
• West Coast pair Mitchell Brown and Jaymie Graham have lost their places to ruckman Dean Cox and key forward Ashley Hansen. Their opponents, the Dockers, have added Justin Longmuir, Troy Cook and Steven Dodd. Freo's Brett Peake is out with a collarbone injury.
• Port Adelaide brought in skipper Warren Tredrea after the big forward booted seven goals in the SANFL last week. SA rival Adelaide regained star utility Brett Burton, but Graham Johncock and tagger Robert Shirley were both sidelined by injury.
• Essendon recalled defender Nathan Lovett-Murray after losing Andrew Welsh to a hamstring injury.Long-time absentee Richard Hadley was named in the Lions' squad alonside Nigel Lappin and Jamie Charman.
• Sydney named bustling Barry Hall but he could still miss the match after injuring his knee last week.

Merv Gray

Matthews keeps DT coaches guessing

Brisbane Lions coach Leigh Matthews is closing on Essendon counterpart Kevin Sheedy's record of feeding ambigous or misleading line-up information to media. The latest out of Leigh's mouth is that ruckman Jamie Charman will make his season debut against Sydney this week. He could. But how many times have DT coaches been burnt after taking Matthews on his word. He also reckons Richard Hadley and Jason Roe are in the selection mix this week, while there's doubt over whether blog favourite Nigel Lappin will be return to the side.

Elsewhere, ankle surgery will keep Richmond ruckman Trent Knobel sidelined for the first half of the season. With Troy Simmonds still out, young Adam Pattison's stocks look set to rise.

Western Bulldogs fullback Brian Harris returns from suspension at an opportune time with the Dogs up against a potent St Kilda side on Saturday. Key forward Nick Riewoldt is set to rejoin a Saints side that boasts Fraser Gehrig, Justin Koschitzke and Stephen Milne.

In disheartening news for DT coaches who have been riding the coat-tails of West Coast tall Mark Seaby so far this season, the Eagles' first-choice ruckman, Dean Cox, says he's a sure thing to play in the all-WA clash against Fremantle on Saturday night.

Merv Gray

What Troy recons: round two

DT Talk is delighted to announce that it has struck an exclusive deal with AFL Dream Team expert Troy. Starting today, the celebrated columnist will bring his insightful comments to the world's best blog about the AFL Dream Team with a green background. Take it away, Troy...

Here are my top 5 things I recon about this weeks DT.
1. I recon that it isn’t healthy that some nights I lose sleep, laying wide awake like a stunned mullet, thinking about who I could trade and or regretting my captain. (thanks a lot Adam Goodes for showing me big fat doughnuts so far this year as my under achieving captain). The one good thing about having Goodes as my captain is that after his score has been doubled, it almost looks respectable on the team sheet.

2. I recon that there are a lot of DT new comers that will be very upset at the end of next week. They will say, "I wish I had understood the trade system better, and then I would have done this ……and……this." While having a good old cry about it. To them, I offer an early plea of "harden the fuck up"

3. I recon before the weeks games you should have a look at the amount of people in the country that have selected Jarrod Brennan. Then, at the start of next lockout, have a look at how great that difference has become. Divide the difference by 100, if your answer is 600 or more, and you are one of these statistics……give yourself an uppercut. I must warn you, I’m bulimic, yes, I can read minds. I know how many DTers are not going to be able to resist Brennan up in the top 5 on the leader board, and at such a bargain price. Yes I must admit, you will be instantly rewarded with a price increase, however, it will be short lived. Rest in peace though, you will not be alone in your disappointment, there will be thousands of DT bargain hunters like yourself, hanging their head in shame wishing for that "precious" trade to be returned. Ps. Ice your lip.

4. I recon that teams have to be punished for late withdrawals. Not only are committed DTers pulling their hair out at the lies being fed to us through the naming of teams, my tote account is screwed.

5. I recon the best thing you can do is follow your gut instinct, don’t listen to friends advice, you cant trust anybody in this game. They, more than likely know something you don’t and are trying to screw you. Have no friends, don’t talk to anybody, just spend the next few months with your team. It is ok to become attached to your players, its bonding and more often than not, it gets the best out of them.

Cheers,
Troy

Stat of the round: 103

That's the Grand Canyon-like chasm between the number of points Hawthorn defender Danny Jacobs produced in rounds one and two. Clearly the 5000-odd DT coaches who jumped on the bandwagon last week thought Jacobs was capable of reproducing the heroics of round one, when the big Hawk notched a league-best 150 points. It didn't happen in round two, when he chalked up a miserly 47 points against Melbourne, and it's not going to happen in round three. In fact, it's unlikely that Jacobs will ever see a triple-figure DT score next to his name again.

A spectacular fall from grace, yes, but not the biggest bomb of round two. That honour goes to St Kilda tough-nut Fraser Gehrig, who produced a paltry 41 points after starring with 117 in the first round.

At the opposite end of the scale was Hawks forward Mark Williams, whose tendancy to excel against the Demons' defence saw him rack up 104 points in round two - a massive improvement from the 12 he registered in the season-opener. Another player who improved dramatically on his round one effort was Adelaide's Simon Goodwin, who was good for 4 points first-up but 115 the second time around.

Merv Gray

Demons' dilemma

Melbourne's goal-kicking burden looks set to fall on Brad Miller and Cam Bruce with news that captain David Neitz and Russell Robertson could miss the next month of AFL action with knee injuries. Fellow forward Aaron Davey has been anonymous in the first two rounds, while long-time servant Adem Yze was dropped in round two. If the Dees are to have any impact on the scoreboard, then, it looks likely to be through Miller ($196,400, bak/fwd) or Bruce ($397,700, ctr).

Elsewhere, Richmond's rucking woes look set to continue with the Tigers unwillinging to rush Troy Simmonds and Trent Knobel back into the fray too quickly. Forward Nathan Brown also faces another week at least on the sidelines.

Nathan Bock, who Adelaide coach Neil Craig plays forward but you can play as a back, has avoided a trip to the tribunal after accepting a reprimand for his hit on Western Bulldogs ruck bargain Luke Darcy on Sunday. At this stage, the Crows also reckon Brett Burton might be fit enough to play this week. As always, hold your trades until the teams are named on Thursday night.

Pick your TV sitcom dream team

The extended Easter round can be the cause of much thumb twiddling as DT coaches are forced to wait until Tuesday to praise/trash their team's performance. In the meantime, DT addicts can get their fix with this: the Coles Farmland $2 Cheesecake sitcom dream team competition!

You've got $12 million to pick two central characters, two supporting characters, a love interest and a guest star. Post your team in the comments section below.

Central characters
(You must have two players in this position)
Al Bundy (Married With Children) $1.1m
Alf (Alf) $1.4m
Andy Millman (Extras) $2.5m
Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers) $2.3m
Bill Cosby (The Cosby Show) $1.6m
Dave Lister (Red Dwarf) $1.9m
David Brent (The Office) $3.6m
Del Boy (Only Fools and Horses) $1.6m
Drew Carey (The Drew Carey Show) $1.8m
Earl Hickey (My Name Is Earl) $2.2m
Edmund Blackadder (Blackadder) $2.6m
Ellen Degeneres (Ellen) $0.5m
Frasier Crane (Frasier) $1.1m
Geraldine Granger (The Vicar of Dibley) $0.1m
Hank Hill (King of the Hill) $1.5m
Homer Simpson (The Simpsons) $3.7m
Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld) $3m
Jim (According to Jim) $1.2m
Joey Tribbiani (Joey) $0.2m
John Dorian or "Newbie" (Scrubs) $2.7m
Mark "Coop" Cooper (Hangin' with Mr Cooper) $0.8m
Mike Flaherty (Spin City) $1.7m
Mr Bean (Mr Bean) $1.4m
Peter Griffin (Family Guy) $1.3m
Phillip J Fry (Futurama) $2.2m
Ray Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) $1.5m
Will Smith (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) $1.6m

Supporting characters
(You must have two players in this position)
Apu (The Simpsons) $2.2m
Baldrick (Blackadder) $2m
Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) $1.3m
Blanche Devereaux (The Golden Girls) $0.2m
Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld) $2.7m
Dewey (Malcolm in the Middle) $1.6m
Eric Cartman (South Park) $1.4m
Fez (That 70s Show) $1.1m
Gareth Keenan (The Office) $3m
Gerald "Nudge" Noritis (Hey Dad!) $1.8m
Jack McFarland (Will and Grace) $2.1m
Krusty the Clown (The Simpsons) $1.7m
Manuel (Fawlty Towers) $1.8m
Norm Peterson (Cheers) $2m
Ross Geller (Friends) $0.6m
Sharon Strezlecki (Kath and Kim) $1.5m
Sleek the Elite (Fat Pizza) $1.9m
Steve Urkel (Family Matters) $2.2m
Vyvyan (The Young Ones) $2.3m
Wilson (Home Improvement) $1.3m

Love interests
(You must have one player in this position)
Agent 99 (Get Smart) $0.8m
Caitlin Moore (Spin City) $2m
Dawn Tinsley (The Office) $2.2m
Deborah (Men Behaving Badly) $0.3m
Elaine Benes (Seinfeld) $2m
Elliott Reid (Scrubs) $2.4m
Jill Taylor (Home Improvement) $0.9m
Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan (MASH) $0.3m
Rachel Green (Friends) $1.8m
Robin Scherbatsky (How I Met Your Mother) $0.7m

Guest stars
(You must have one player in this position)
Elle MacPherson (Friends) $2.3m
Heather Graham (Scrubs) $2m
Michael Jackson (The Simpsons) $0.8m
Robert De Niro (Extras) $1.6m
Shane Warne (Kath and Kim) $1.3m

How to score with an AFL player

First, place yourself in a Melbourne bar on a Sunday night. Then...

Oh, you wanna know their Dream Team score on a Sunday night, before the official Coke site does all the math on Monday morning? Jess at the jaw-droppingly good AFLblog.com has whipped up an online calculator for all those too impatient to wait.

Find it at: www.aflblog.com/afl-dream-team-online-score-calculator/

Chook.

Tredrea feels a kid... I mean, feels LIKE a kid

Port Adelaide captain Warren Tredrea ($278,800, fwd) reckons he felt like a 28-year-old kid in his comeback game tonight. Tredrea booted seven goals with the Port Adelaide Magpies in his first competitive match in nine months. He wants to back in Port's AFL side and told AAP: "I'm confident I've done enough work to come back to AFL. I'd love to be out there next week, but the decision is not with myself it's with the other guys."

Elsewhere, forward Aaron Edwards is set to make his Kangaroos debut on Sunday; the Power will regain star midfielder Peter Burgoyne and Josh Mahoney; Essendon recalled Jason Laycock; and the Dockers named Matthew Carr and Luke Webster.

Chook.

Last-minute bargain buys

There are a couple of cheap thrills to be had for those of you dipping into the transfer market this round. The Cats have named Tom Hawkins ($82,300, fwd) on the interchange for their clash with Carlton, while the Kangaroos have included former West Coast lad Aaron Edwards ($82,300, fwd) on a long bench. The Cats' rank and file have been getting all hot and bothered over Hawkins, but that's probably got more to do with the spate of crap tall forwards at the club than any real genius shown by the kid. Or he could kill it. Guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Merv Gray.

Tom tells it right

Tom, the fellow who runs a proper Dream Team blog over at www.afldream.blogspot, (believe me, it's much better than this rubbish), has got stuck into the official AFL site over its piss-poor DT preview. For good reason, too. Among those they suggest dumping this week are Chris Judd (!!!) and blog favourite Nigel Lappin (!!!). That's bonkers. Sure, both face late tests to determine whether they'll take the field this weekend, but that's no reason to waste one of your precious trades. Chances are they'll get up. And if they don't, neither is likely to miss more than a week. Plus, unless your name is Simon Tennant, you'll have heard about these things called emergencies.

Merv Gray.

The wisdom of Misdom: Chapter 1, verse 1

I've got a mate called Justin.

Sometimes I shorten that to Just.

Which makes me think it's too bad Mr and Mrs Adcock went with Jed instead of Justin when they named their little Lion.

Just AdCock would have been super cool.

Vincent Misdom.

Who needs Riewoldt anyway?

St Kilda coach Ross Lyon raised the ire of DT coaches across the country when he announced injured forward Nick Riewoldt ($379,800) would sit out tomorrow's match against Brisbane. More than 13,000 DT coaches have selected Riewoldt, who was initially expected to be back in the Saints' first 22 by round two. Instead, Riewoldt will again leave the key forward duties to Fraser Gehrig ($259,900), who bagged 117 points in Nick's absence last week. The Saints shat it in then, brushing off a lacklustre Melbourne side.

The Saints have also lost Matt Maguire ($236,900) for the Lions game, but can bring in Max Hudghton ($191,400). Go Max.

Elsewhere, Adeliade bird man Brett Burton and teammate Simon Goodwin are in doubt for the Crows' clash against the Western Bulldogs.

Big-man curse hits Tigers

Watch yo self, Matty Richardson; the curse that plagued the Western Bulldogs' big men last season appears to have been cast over Richmond's collection of talls, with Terry Wallace revealing that number one ruckman Troy Simmonds is out for at least another week.

With back-up Trent Knobel still sidelined indefinitely with an ankle injury, expect to see Adam Pattison and Graham Polak sharing the ruck duties against Sydney this weekend. If you were toying with the idea of adding Swans recruit Peter Everitt ($295,600) to your squad at some point this season, this could be the week your investment pays off.

In other injury news:

• Sydney star Nick Davis will be sidelined for up to three weeks after the forward aggravated a foot injury in last weekend's loss to West Coast. His replacement will be Adam Schneider, who has overcome an injured hamstring.
  
• Port Adelaide skipper Warren Tredrea will play his first match in more than eight months when he makes his comeback on Thursdsay night - no, not for the Power but their SANFL affiliate.
  

Merv Gray.

No tribunal trip for Hodge

Hawthorn ball-magnet Luke Hodge will be free to play in round two after receiving a reprimand for his indiscretion against Brisbane veteran and blog favourite Nigel Lappin. Unfortunately for DT coaches who had Hodge ($352,700, ctr) in their midfield, the Hawk did not register a kick with the statisticians when he booted Lappin.

He did, however, rack up five frees-against (-15 points), which could make him something of a liability in a season which will see umpires pay more free kicks than ever before.

The AFL match review panel also dismissed charges against Matthews Whelan (Melbourne) and Pavlich (Fremantle), and Jordan Lewis (Hawthorn), Alwyn Davey (Essendon) and Luke McGuane (Richmond).

Fremantle full-back Steven Dodd will miss a week after doing a barn-dance on top of Port Adelaide's Damon White, while Kangaroos midfielder Jess Sinclair and Adelaide backman Nathan Bassett will take their rough conduct cases to the tribunal tonight. Regardless of the outcome, the length of the potential suspensions (one game at this stage) means only the most skittish DT coaches will trade them this week.

UPDATE: Both Bassett and Sinclair are likely starters in round two after being cleared at the tribunal tonight.

Merv Gray.

Stat of the round: 1824

The number of DT coaches who spent the hefty sum of $374,200 on West Coast's "spiritual leader", Ben Cousins, in round one. To put that in perspective, just 1100 coaches had Adelaide ball-winner Scott Thompson, who managed 126 points in round one. Cousins had 0, owing to the fact that he was in California at the time.

Sure, pop shiny-armed Cousins in your squad when he returns from the Malibu drug clinic where he's likely getting back rubs from Britney Spears. But coach Worsfold's not expecting him back until the latter part of the season, and you shouldn't either. Don't worry, the Herald Sun will let everyone know when Ben's beaten his drug demons. Until then, it might be an idea to spend your $375k on someone who is actually going to get a game before round 10.

On a similar note, 1530 DT coaches named Jonathan Hay and 804 picked Nathan Thompson. That's the same Jonathan Hay that retired after battling bi-polar disorder, and the same Nathan Thompson whose leg injury will keep him sidelined all season.

Are these coaches havin' a laugh? Are they havin' a laugh?

Chook.

Is that a pubic bone spur or are you just happy to see me?

Western Bulldogs veteran Chris Grant will miss the first half of the season after surgeons last night got out the tweezers to pluck a spur from the big man's pubic bone. A sensible price tag ($231,900) and the versatility of playing him as a forward or back enticed more than 5000 coaches to draft the big man in round one. Depending on where you picked him, possible replacements include fit-again Saint Xavier Clarke ($230,100, bac), Luke's little brother Sam Power ($224,800, bac) , or Lance Franklin ($223,800, fwd), who all made okay starts to the season. Alternatively, pocket a little spare change and spring for West Coast youngster Mitchell Brown ($82,300, fwd), who looks the goods.

The first round's long-term injuries (the ones worth dumping players over) included St Kilda's Matt Maguire and Melbourne's Brock McLean, who both look like missing six weeks. For Maguire ($236,900, bac), the discerning DT coach must consider Clarke or Power (see above), or Adelaide's Nathan Bock ($235,600). Just don't bring in Cats captain Tom Harley - he's out for six weeks with a finger injury. There's a glut of midfielders waiting to replace the more expensive McLean ($362,800, ctr), including Simon Black, Scott Thompson, Brett Kirk and the under-priced Daniel Kerr.

Lastly, ensure you don't have too many players on the list below.

Merv Gray.

INJURY LIST
ADELAIDE
Trent Hentschel (knee) – season
Rhett Biglands (knee) - season
Mark Ricciuto (back) - indefinite
Nick Gill (hamstring) - indefinite
Bryce Campbell (ankle) - 3 weeks
Ivan Maric (hip) - 3 weeks
Ken McGregor (Achilles) - 3-4 weeks
John Meesen (knee) - 7 weeks
Kris Massie (test) - test
Luke Jericho (back) - test
Darren Pfeiffer (cheekbone) - 4 weeks
Simon Goodwin (corked thigh) - test

BRISBANE LIONS
Mitchell Clark (leg) - 3-4 weeks
Matthew Leuenberger (groin) - 2 weeks
Jason Roe (hamstring) - test
Robert Copeland (hip) - test
Daniel Bradshaw (knee) - season
Nigel Lappin (thigh) - test
Anthony Corrie (knee) - indefinite
Chris Scott (hip) - indefinite
Joel Macdonald (knee) - 5-7 weeks
Troy Selwood (back) - 4-6 weeks
Pat Garner (knee) - season
Josh Drummond (glute) - 1-2 weeks
Rhan Hooper (quadricep) - 3 weeks
Jamie Charman (Achilles) - test

CARLTON
Anthony Raso (broken wrist) - 1-2 weeks
Anthony Koutoufides (finger) - 6-7 weeks
Clinton Benjamin (quad) - 1-2 weeks

COLLINGWOOD
Alan Didak (knee) - test
Nathan Buckley (hamstring) - 1-2 weeks
Chris Dawes (knee) - indefinite
Sean Rusling (shoulder) - indefinite

ESSENDON
Jason Johnson (foot) - 1-2 weeks
Jay Nash (foot) 2-4 weeks
Richard Cole (hamstring) - test
Jason Laycock (hamstring) - available
Courtenay Dempsey (groin) - test

FREMANTLE
Heath Black (hip) - test
Troy Cook (ankle) - test
Robert Warnock (toe) - test
Byron Schammer (post-surgery complications) - indefinite
Robert Haddrill (knee) - 4 weeks

GEELONG
Max Rooke (hamstring) - 1 week
Tom Lonergan (kidney) - indefinite
Joel Reynolds (knee) - season
Steven King (calf) - 1 week
Tom Harley (finger) - 6 weeks

HAWTHORN
Richie Vandenberg (hamstring) - 4-5 weeks
Joel Smith (knee) - 3-4 weeks
Mitch Thorp (hip) - 6-7 weeks

KANGAROOS
Nathan Thompson (knee) - season
Leigh Harding (knee) - indefinite
Josh Gibson (hamstring) - test

MELBOURNE
Brock McLean (foot) - 6 weeks
Jared Rivers (hamstring) - test
Byron Pickett (hamstring) - test
Lynden Dunn (cheek) - 2 weeks
James Frawley (stress fracture) - 4 weeks
Isaac Weetra (hamstring) - 2 weeks

PORT ADELAIDE
Peter Burgoyne (thigh) - test
Travis Boak (hip) - test
Josh Mahoney (ankle) - test
Daniel Motlop (ankle) - 2-3 weeks
Warren Tredrea (knee) - test

RICHMOND
Troy Simmonds (ankle) - test
Ray Hall (hip) - 3 weeks
Carl Peterson (groin) - indefinite
Mark Coughlan (knee) - season
Kent Kingsley (ankle) - 3 weeks
Will Thursfield (knee) - 1 week

ST KILDA
Raphael Clarke (back) - indefinite
Michael Gardiner (groin) - indefinite
Aaron Hamill (knee) - indefinite
Nick Riewoldt (back) - test
Fergus Watts (ankle) - indefinite
Matt Maguire (stress fracture) - TBC

SYDNEY
Adam Schneider (hamstring) - test
Heath Grundy (back) - test
Paul Bevan (hamstring) - test
Lewis Roberts-Thomson (foot) - indefinite

WEST COAST
Mitch Morton (knee) - 2 weeks
Mark Nicoski (shoulder) - 9 weeks
Sam Butler (groin) - 3 weeks
Josh Wooden (hip) - 3 weeks
Andrew Embley (groin) - test
Ashley Hansen (groin) - test
Chad Fletcher (knee) - 1 week
Dean Cox (quad) - test
Chris Judd (corked thigh) - available

WESTERN BULLDOGS
Mitch Hahn (knee) - ongoing assessment
Wayde Skipper (hamstring) - test
Chris Grant (groin/abdominal) - test
Robert Murphy (corked hip) - available
Brett Montgomery (bruised ribs) - test

Welcome

G'day and welcome to DT Talk, soon to be providing all-important information for coaches of AFL dream teams, or DTs as we like to call them around here.

We'll have updates on injuries and suspensions, take a look at the movers and shakers once the players' prices start to change and preview the top trades ahead of each round. There'll also be a weekly stat of the month post and pearls of wisdom from Vince Misdom.

Check back soon for the first post.

Merv Gray, Chook and Vincent Misdom.